The stages of grief

I have faced a lot of grief in my life, cousins, uncles, aunts, and grandparents. I have felt their loss deeply but until recently I had not lost somebody who was truly close to me. Someone who impacted my day-to-day life.

On the 4^th of November 2021 I lost my older sister to a sudden death, she died from pulmonary thrombosis. As you can imagine I am still in the very early stages of my grief, and I am still trying to figure everything out. For people who suffer from mental health issues we put an added pressure on ourselves by convincing ourselves that we are not normal. So, if we are not normal for our behaviour and experiences to be acceptable to society, we must follow the normal conventions. Some of this pressure does not just come from ourselves. It comes from the people supporting us who do not have enough information or a close understand of grief and that grief is different for everyone. These people are well meaning but their lack of knowledge can often add to the grief and any other emotions you are going through.

In my grief and in a bid for me to say I am doing it like how any normal person would be doing it I tried to make my behaviour fit and conform to the 5 stages of grief. Even using these stages as a guide on how I should be feeling or behaving, I realised that my grief can not be fit into a tick box of behaviours outlined in these stages.

Denial – this is meant to be the first stage of grief and I think this is the case for most people. Even people who knew that their loved one was sick and at the end of their journey. I was in denial from the offset, occasionally I think I still might be:

• I spoke to her 4 hours before her death, she was on video call happy and laughing.

• She was not sick

• She was so young

• We had so many plans

• She had such a love and hunger for life

These things went round and round in my head so how could it be her. The day after she passed, I visited her at the morgue, and I held her cold hands. I had to push down and stifle this massive urge I had to slap her and say “now you can get up, the joke is over”

Anger – stage 2 for me, I didn’t get angry until a little later. My anger did not start manifesting until a month or 2 after the loss of my sister and it was intense, all-consuming, and unbearable. It still is. What I found to be true about this stage is that I was angry at the person who died. At first, I could not verbalise this as it filled me with shame to think that my sister had her beautiful life robbed from her life and I was here angry at her as if she had any control over this. I am angry at God or any supernatural force in the world that has control over life and death. I am angry at myself because there is so much I feel I should have done and said before she died. I am angry at the people who tell me that time heals all wounds. I am angry at the paramedics who couldn’t save her. Name anyone and I will you that I am angry at them no matter how irrational it sounds.

Bargaining – this one is my constant state of grief, I pray to any god I can think of. Any force out there that may have enough power to bring her back. I offer my life in exchange for hers. She has been gone 4 months now but if I could find a way, i would trade anything of mine to have her in return. I ask myself if there was anything I could have done better or different. Think of ways of going back in time and making different choices. I don’t only bargain to have her alive again. I bargain even for one more conversation. One more chance to see her smiling back at me. One more chance to see her dancing around with her son.

Depression– with this one I am not so sure. One of the mental issues I suffer from is depression so how do I quantify that my depression has gotten worse or less with her death. The best way they describe this stage is “This pain can be very intense and come in waves over many months or years. Life can feel like it no longer holds any meaning which can be very scary.” The 2 months I couldn’t leave the house. I would wake up everyday and take a shower, but I would refuse to wear any make up. I invested in oversized black clothes. If my sister didn’t get to go outside anymore, look beautiful anymore, dress fashionably anymore. How could I justify my doing so? Now, I get dressed and I leave the house I even wear makeup and dress up, but I think this is more to do with wanting people to stop feeling sorry for me.

Acceptance – they say “Grief comes in waves, and it can feel like nothing will ever be right again. But gradually most people find that the pain eases, and it is possible to accept what has happened.” I am not here yet. I do not imagine myself ever being here. Learning to live again and continuing with my life feels like a betrayal to her, like I am leaving her behind. I don’t know where she is or if she can see me and I do not want her to believe even for a that my life can carry on without her.

Take it from someone who is in the thick of it, there is no right way to grieve. Not everyone’s grief is the same. As I continue with this journey of mine the advice, I can give you so far is:

“There is no time limit on grief. If today you have a good day, be happy and celebrate. Ask those around you to celebrate with you but if tomorrow is a bad day do not be angry with yourself and do not accept others being angry with you, do not lose your patience with yourself and ask the same of them. The same as you I am doing this one step at a time. One day at a time. I don’t know what one moment to the next has in store for me.”